Today I sat on the Lanai and watched three guys install my boat lift canopy in the sweltering heat of Southwest Florida. I was in the lure shop making some of my HOT SHOT popper rigs when the doorbell rang. Just as promised they were right on time. Weird! I know. They introduced themselves by name asked my permission to get the job under way. Still weird. I know. They clambered up on wobbly ladders and walked on 4” beams like there were no such thing as injury or certain death. Forget about the alligator and bull shark infested waters below them. They had the thing fully constructed in 53 minutes flat! Then like a circus act descending from the lofty trapeze they slid face first down the new canopy grabbing the bottom rail and somersaulting over. They hung like that for a second and dropped onto my deck. Completing a job that fast is nearly miraculous anywhere other than Collier County Florida. Here it’s more like an act of God!
Let me explain. Six months ago, during season, my wife and I were on the same Lanai deciding a canopy would be a really good idea. Our Boston Whaler had just been completely restored after she took a beating in Hurricanes Wilma and Ian. It had only taken the better part of three years, in two shops. There we sat, glowing in the insane jealousy of our neighbors at getting such quick service for our boat. Riding this Southwest Florida high we foolishly embarked on having a $4,000.00 canopy installed. I pulled out my smarty pants phone and looked up how to get started. I got ahold of the nice people at Waterway Boat Lift Covers and before you could snap your fingers… I was nearly in tears! The guy on the phone was explaining that one of my neighbors was still in the zoning process after 8 months of legal fees and endless bureaucratic buck passing. They were coming up on their zoning board hearing. Things were too close to call. Maybe they would prevail, maybe not.
I had to look up from my phone and confirm the reality that there were 25 canopies in my direct line of sight from my Lanai. How could it be that complicated!? What we’re talking about is basically a tarp on some aluminum pipes that aren’t even permanently bolted to the lift! The Waterway guy was not encouraging at all. In fact, he suggested I go online, buy one and hire some workers with the morals of an alley cat to put it up at midnight. Maybe my neighbors wouldn’t notice. Maybe they wouldn’t care. Maybe he’s never been on the Nextdoor app! A very tiny but vocal group of “neighbors” would have high resolution Gen4 night vision images of my canopy going up by 2 AM. They would post about the devastating environmental impact my canopy was causing. They would have scientific article citations. The poor Escherichia coli! Their photosynthesis permanently disrupted by my grotesque canopy! (I sure hope some of my microbiologist readers are having a good chuckle.) The speed with which they would file complaints would make a fighter pilot pass out.
So, I did the only reasonable thing I could do. I called Collier County to get the straight story. What could possibly be wrong with going to the government folks who we pay to keep things orderly and safe in our beautiful county. I know what you’re thinking and there is certainly nothing wrong with me. And please stop referring to me as an idiot! Seriously how bad could it really be? Just a phone call would clear things up quick!
So, after spending a week on hold and talking with an endless stream of phone bots I got to a human! She told me I needed to file a petition for a zoning variance. See, no problems. I asked how to do that. She asked which law firm would be representing me. Wait! What? When I told her I would take care of it myself, she had some kind of coughing fit. She attempted to muffle her embarrassing fit with her hand over the phone, but I could still hear it. It sounded like a barking sort of laughter. I even thought I could hear her try to call for help. “Op mogosh oove ott oo ear iss!” When she finally composed herself, she said our conversation was now being recorded for “quality assurances” purposes. Poor thing, she must have pushed the wrong button, I could hear what sounded like sniggering on another line. Anyway, she finally composed herself enough to direct me to the Collier County Planning Commission website. There I would find all the information I would need to file an application. Nice.
A month later I had counted over 3,000 different application forms on the site. None of them were for a zoning variance. I called again armed with the knowledge of which buttons to push in order to make short work of getting past the phone bots. Only took two days. I spoke with another very nice person about my inability to find the application for a zoning variance on the site. I was directed to customer service where I was assured my lack of success would be quickly remedied. Okay, you can see where this is going. Let’s skip ahead to three months ago.
I had learned the magic words I needed in order to realize my desire to put up a canopy. You ready for this? If you live in Collier County and want a canopy on your boat lift, you might want to cut and paste this. Here goes, because I had “a legal noncompliant dock pursuant to the addition of a half lot, increasing my sea wall footage, and desired a compliant canopy which did not further encroach upon or increase the pressure on the waterway” all I needed to do was apply for an administrative boat lift canopy permit. Pretty cool huh?
Did I mention three months ago? Right. So, I found the right application, filled it out and filed it with the County along with its hefty fees. I got a surveyor to do his magic and attached his $500.00 abbreviated spot survey for dock setbacks. Pushed the send button and got confirmation. They would get right on it! They would have a decision in no more than 8 weeks! I’m not making any of this up! I promise!
So here I sit having watched the Ringling Brothers install my canopy. It was over so quickly. I feel somehow deprived of a classic Southwest Florida long and painful ever more expensive service experience. They hadn’t even treated me with complete indifference! They worked so hard. They worked so fast. They were soaked in sweat! The heat warnings cautioned residents to stay in an air-conditioned space and they didn’t even pause for a drink until after their dismounts. They were getting in their truck to leave when my expectation paralysis passed enough to get myself in motion. I caught up with them. I gave them a generous tip and 9.5’s on their dismounts. (Toes weren’t pointed.)
We wound up paying almost as much in fees as we did for the canopy itself. It could have been so much worse. My neighbors did finally prevail. But they spent an obscene amount more in fees than their canopy cost. Deciding I probably shouldn’t feel slighted for missing out on more pain, I went back to my bench and resumed handmaking cool saltwater tackle for people who appreciate quality, craftsmanship and timely service. What do they know anyway.
Doc
Kommentare