Today I sat on the lanai and watched three guys install my boat lift canopy in the sweltering heat of Southwest Florida in August. I was in my lure shop making some of my HOT SHOT popper rigs ahead of having some friends come down to fish for Mangrove Snappers, Sea Trout, and Red Fish, when the doorbell rang. Just as promised, they were right on time. Weird! I know. They introduced themselves by name and asked my permission to get the job under way. Weirder still. I know. They clambered up on wobbly ladders and walked on 4” beams like there were no such things as injury or certain death. Forget about the alligator and bull shark infested waters below them. (I had seen a 14-foot alligator right off my dock when I walked out that morning to enjoy the cooler morning air.) They had the thing fully constructed in 53 minutes flat! Then like a circus act descending from the lofty trapeze, they slid face first down the new canopy grabbing the bottom rail and somersaulting over. They hung like that for a second and dropped onto my deck. Ta-da! Completing a job that fast is impressive! To me, it was more like an honest-to-goodness parting of the Red Sea, voice of God in the burning bush, raising of Lazarus miracle!
Let me explain. Six months ago, during season (That's the Florida way of saying the dry season when all the snowbirds come down), my wife and I were sitting on the same lanai deciding a boat lift canopy would be a really good idea. Our Boston Whaler had just been completely restored after she took a beating in hurricanes Irma and Ian. It had taken the better part of three years, in two shops. We were excited that she looked like new, and we wanted to keep her that way as long as possible There we sat, glowing in the insane jealousy of our neighbors at getting such quick service for our boat. Riding a wave of new hope, we embarked on having a $4,000.00 canopy installed. I pulled out my smarty pants phone and looked up how to get started. I got ahold of the nice people at Waterway Boat Lift Covers and before you could snap your fingers… I was nearly in tears! The guy on the phone was super helpful but not very hopeful. He explained that one of my neighbors was in the zoning process. After eight months of legal fees and endless bureaucratic meanderings, they were coming up on their zoning board hearing. Things were too close to call. Maybe they would prevail, maybe not. he suggested we wait until we could see how our neighbors made out.
I had to look up from my phone and confirm the reality that there were six canopies in my direct line of sight from my lanai. How could it be that complicated and expensive!? What we’re talking about is basically a tarp on some aluminum pipes that aren’t even permanently bolted to the lift! One of my friends suggested I go online, buy one, and hire some workers with the morals of an alley cat to put it up at midnight. Maybe my neighbors wouldn’t notice. Maybe they wouldn’t care. Maybe he’s never been on the nextdoor app! I had paranoid visions of high resolution Gen4 night vision pictures of my canopy being posted by 2 AM the next morning. And the speed with which complaints would be filed would make a fighter pilot pass out. My neighbors are amazingly nice people. I could never put them in that position. I'm a rule follower. No. That was not an option for me.
So, I did the only reasonable thing I could do. I called Collier County to get the straight story. What could possibly be wrong with going to the government folks who we pay to keep things orderly and safe in our beautiful county? I know what you’re thinking and there is certainly nothing wrong with me. And please stop referring to me as an idiot! Seriously, how bad could it really be? Just a phone call would clear things up quick!
So, after spending what felt a week on hold and working my way through phone bots, I got to a human! She told me I needed to file a petition for a zoning variance. The fees would be over $12,000.00. See, no problems. I composed myself and asked how to do that. She asked which law firm would represent me. Wait! What? When I told her I would take care of it myself, she had some kind of coughing fit. She attempted to muffle her embarrassing spasm with her hand over the phone, but I could still hear it. It sounded like a barking sort of laughter. I even thought I could hear her try to call for help. “Op mogosh oove ott oo ear iss!” When she finally composed herself, she said our conversation was now being recorded for “quality assurances” purposes. Poor thing. She must have pushed the wrong button. I could hear what sounded like sniggering on another line. Anyway, she finally composed herself enough to direct me to the Collier County Planning Commission website. There I would find all the information I would need to file an application. Nice.
The website had a bewildering number of application forms. None of them were for a zoning variance. I called again, armed with the knowledge of which buttons to push in order to make short work of getting past the phone bots. I spoke with another very nice person about my inability to find the application for a zoning variance on the site. I was directed to customer service where I was assured my lack of success would be quickly remedied. Okay, not to belabor the point, you can see where this is going. Let’s skip ahead to three months ago.
I had learned that because I had “a legal noncompliant dock pursuant to the addition of a half lot, increasing my sea wall footage, and desired a compliant canopy which did not further encroach upon or increase the pressure on the waterway,” all I needed to do was apply for an administrative boat lift canopy permit. Only a couple thousand dollars! Pretty cool, huh?
I did mention three months ago, right? So, I found the right application, filled it out, and filed it with the County along with its less hefty fees. I got a surveyor to do his magic and attached his abbreviated spot survey for dock setbacks, pushed the send button, and got confirmation. They would get right on it! They would have a decision in no more than 8 weeks! Six months after our decision on the lanai, we have our Canopy!
So, here I sit having watched the Ringling Brothers install my canopy. It was over so quickly. I felt somehow deprived. I had been working this project for half a year. Many of my service experiences here have been long, frustrating and expensive. They hadn’t even treated me with complete indifference! They worked so hard. They worked so fast. They were soaked in sweat! The heat warnings cautioned residents to stay in an air-conditioned space and they didn’t even pause for a drink until after their dismounts. They were getting in their truck to leave when my expectation paralysis passed enough to get myself in motion. I caught up with them. I gave them cold bottled water, a generous tip and 9.5’s on their dismounts. (Toes weren’t pointed or they would have received perfect 10's.)
We wound up paying almost as much in fees as we did for the canopy itself. It could have been so much worse. My neighbors did finally prevail, by the way. But I imagine they spent an obscene amount more in fees than their canopy cost. Deciding I probably shouldn’t feel slighted for missing out on more frustration, I went back to my bench and resumed making cool fishing tackle for people who appreciate quality, craftsmanship, and timely service. It wasn't long before I was imagining that first wash down after a day on the Gulf. In the shade! No more UV! My newly restored boat protected from the rain. We did it! Ta-da.
Happy fishing,
Doc
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